Is it cheating if it’s online?
I’d venture to say that for most people, the idea of hot new nookie is pretty delicious.
There is something about the mystery of a new body and what that person can do with that body that entices us to fantasize about spending a few hours with the sexy new chick at the office or gym.
You know how it is…you spot her bending over a desk with her pert little backside up in the air. Or you see her doing squats in front of a mirror and kinda wish you were under her and that she was naked.
I totally get it.
It’s completely normal for people to have fantasies about lurid, kinky sex with someone they’ve never rolled around in the sheets with—even if they are already in a healthy relationship with the love of their life.
Where the trouble can start is when an advertisement pops up on your spank site of choice that tells you there are real girls ready to share those fantasies with you over a live video stream or chat.
It can also start somewhere as innocuous as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.
Maybe it begins with something as innocent as a friendly post from a girl you knew in high school but has evolved into emails, texts and phone calls that you wouldn’t want your girl to ever read or overhear.
Our healthy fantasies can start to lead us down a path towards betrayal if we don’t stay closely attuned to what our significant other would consider hurtful behavior.
If you feel like you are sneaking around and doing things behind your girl’s back, then that is your first clue that you are doing something that would probably deeply hurt her and your relationship.
“You don’t have to have sex to cheat. If you find yourself deleting texts, you’re probably almost there.” –Anonymous
I chose to address this topic this month because I’ve had an influx of emails from my readers, and also from people who I know outside my world of professional relationship advice, who are dealing with the loss of significant relationships because of online fantasies gone too far.
Many people want to know – is it cheating if it’s online?
And if I can help even one of you from having that happen in your own life, then I’ve done my good deed for the day.
So, Is it Cheating If It’s Online?
This may apply to you either now or in the future if:
- You are in a relationship.
- You are contacting a woman (or women) outside of your relationship either on the phone or via your computer to fulfill a sexual need.
- You WANT to contact women other than your significant other to zest up your own, personal sex life.
Here are some specific examples of what I’ve heard from men who defend their decision to play in a sexual arena with another woman as long as the contact is only via phone or computer:
- I’m not doing anything wrong as long as I don’t physically touch another person.
- I’m a grown man and can do whatever I want.
- We’ll, if my wife would give me what I want in bed, I wouldn’t have to go elsewhere to find it.
- It doesn’t count if it’s digital.
So that we’re all on the same page, let’s go to the dictionary to define what we are talking about.
Dictionary.reference.com defines this as an affair, “a sexual relationship between two people who are not married to each other.” And this as betrayal, “to break (a promise) or be disloyal to (a person’s trust).”
We’ve all heard the jokes about people who get caught dipping their wick into strange saying things like, “define sex” or “define affair.”
I’m quite certain I recall some very famous people using the excuse of not having immediate access to a dictionary as they got head from some hot chick as a justification for naughty behavior.
“Oh…I thought ‘sex’ meant genital intercourse. You mean getting head counts??? Jeeze…sorry about that. I’ll know better next time.”
Because of all this “confusion” I want to make sure we are starting with a level playing field here; so now everyone knows the definitions of affair and betrayal and there can be no, “But I didn’t know!” excuses anymore.
The first thing that’s important to recognize is that a great many women are good at suspecting your online/phone behavior.
Even if you make sure that you never talk to or interact with the other woman when she’s around, women get a vibe.
I’ve heard women say that all of a sudden their husband is happy all the time.
Now, it would be nice to think that people just walked around happy non-stop, but if you are a Grumpy Gus who all of a sudden has smiles for everyone, then your woman is going to know something has changed.
What usually makes a man smile like a goof?
A new woman and/or a better sex life. And trust me, your woman knows that. She may not say anything to you directly, but she notices.
In a poll I ran on my blog, I asked both men and women this question, “Do you think it is a betrayal if your significant other is finding sexual satisfaction from another person via the phone or internet?”
Surprisingly enough, I had the exact same number of male respondents as I did female and this is what they had to say:
87.88% of women said yes.
90.91% of men said yes.
Is it Cheating if it’s Online – Yes!
What that tells me is that most people agree that carrying on a virtual sexual relationship outside of marriage (or your relationship with your girlfriend) is a betrayal.
And yet it still happens all the time.
It’s one thing to watch pre-recorded porn on the Internet to start off your day with a smile on your face. It is a whole other ball of wax to actually interact virtually with a live person for sexual gratification. Doing that creates a level of intimacy and “knowing” the other person that recorded porn can’t do.
And that’s when the real trouble can start.
I’m pretty sure most everyone has been in a relationship where the sex has gone from “Holy Hell! I have carpet burns in places I didn’t know I had places. Damn that was good!” to “Ummm…well…I guess that was better than getting a tooth pulled. But not by much.”
While it sucks, it is natural for the sexual blaze to die down to a slow burn over time.
The difference between a couple who makes it in the long run and one that doesn’t is that a couple that is dedicated to making it work will be aware that their sex life has changed and find ways to bring the spark back that don’t cause anyone to feel betrayed.
Over the last year, I’ve written a bunch of articles for The Acquiring Man on how to rekindle the spark and get back to having mind-blowing sex. If you’re in a slump go read up and then have the best sex you’ve had in a long time—with your lovely lady!
Click HERE to check them out.
In all sincerity, I want everyone out there to have amazing sex. But I want them to also maintain a loving relationship with their girl.
Whenever anyone starts seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship, feelings of betrayal are only a heartbeat away.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of betrayal, you know how horrible a feeling it is.
It ruins everything and leeches into every part of your life. And I don’t want that for any of you or any of your significant others. It can create a rift that is very hard, if not impossible, to fix and I don’t wish that for any of you.
So please think before you engage in behaviors online or on the phone that you think might hurt the one you love.
A good rule of thumb is, “If I wouldn’t do this in front of her, then I probably shouldn’t do this behind her back.”
As always, I wish for you much love, joy and happy humping (but only with either yourself or your girl!).
Jodi Ambrose is our sex expert here at The Acquiring Man, author of Sex: How to Get More of It (for the guys) and Intimacy: How to Get More of It (for the ladies). She’s also contributed to Playboy radio on the topics of sex, love and relationships. Check out her blog and be sure to follow her on Twitter @JodiAmbrose.