Some relationships have the good fortune of going the distance and others fade away. Some go out with a bang.
Breaking apart from someone whom we’ve developed an emotional attachment with can be a difficult.
Whether the decision was one-sided or mutually agreed upon does little to sooth the difficulties attached with your loss.
It’s a confusing time filled with questions, concerns, and uncertainty.
Even when we know splitting up is best for us, logic does little to override the history of our emotions, and it can still be hard to move on.
A number of men struggle with rejection in relationships and other types of direct blows to the ego. So, we’re going to tackle just what it is you can do to overcome this type of affliction.
Now, there are many stages and events that can lead to the demise of a relationship (which we’ll cover another time). But, for the purposes of this post, we are going to conclude that your relationship has already been terminated.
Does it Seem Like You’ll Never Get Over Your Ex?
There are many different signs which can tell you that you’re having trouble getting over a previous relationship.
Do you believe that she is responsible for your happiness and well-being?
This is a fallacy many men make.
The result is a feeling that you are not in control and it puts all of your emotional power and well-being in the hands of someone else.
Are you hooked on all the good times?
When you become oblivious to the facts and forget about the negative aspects of your relationship, and even a person, you are only delaying forward progress.
This is like driving while blind-folded. You know the mechanics of your vehicle, how to drive and what to do, only you can’t see where you are going.
Are you disregarding her rights as a person?
It’s even more difficult if a breakup was a decision you did not see coming or agree with in the first place.
You’ll find yourself trying harder and harder to salvage or hold onto what little may be left, but the result is that the two of you end up farther apart.
By thinking for that some reason they may come back around and change their mind, you become more persistent, which ultimately moves nearly all interactions into an unhealthy place.
Now you look like you’ve lost your cool (or you have). Which is not cool.
Desperate attempts only make you appear needy and clingy.
It’s a sign of poor personal boundaries and low maturity.
Acting in a way which is either rude or disrespectful, via aggression, or out of spite, is neither attractive or helping your cause in any way.
Do you believe that love conquers all?
As nice as it would be, love is not enough.
Other traits and qualities must be present for a relationship to work, not to mention the buy-in of the other person.
Lets face it, you can love someone till your blue in the face, but without the proper components, it will do little to solve the real issues at hand.
Why You Are Not Over Your Ex
When these misconceptions start to creep their way into your mind, they soon move on to become beliefs.
The two major issues many men face when dealing with a breakup and beliefs of these kind are managing their feelings of anger and jealousy.
Anger comes from being hurt and/or losing something important to us.
Left alone it builds up and transforms into aggression, and either becomes the root of regrettable decisions or (in the passive sense) depression.
Jealousy is born of insecurity.
When we dwell on, doubt, or question the future, it robs us of the ability to make decisions and be in a present state of mind.
In a state of jealousy it’s much easier for toxic thoughts and actions to occur.
Soon the “what if’s,” take over.
“What if she’s with someone else?”
“What if she still wants to be with me?”
“What if I don’t find someone else?”
While it is normal to have these types of thoughts and feelings, left unkempt, they lead to irrational behavior and drastic measures.
When we sense that we are not in control we become easily distracted, frustrated, and upset.
Let’s face it, there is a lot of detrimental activity firing through your brain.
Picking up the phone after you’ve had a few too many drinks, bombarding her with phone calls and voicemails, or spending your day scouring her social media accounts are all great examples of the kind of unhealthy behavior you want to avoid.
How To Get Over Your Ex
The first key to moving on is realizing that is not about her.
Yes, she plays an important part in the story, but this is about you and how you control the resources inside yourself.
It’s navigating a process and overcoming the internal feelings and turmoil.
Nearly all the negative responses, reactions, and low-character circumstances we’ve discussed come from a place of reactivity.
By allowing the external to dictate how you feel internally, you’ve already lost more than you can imagine. Tweet this
I’d like to share with you now some crucial elements to apply if you’d like to really make some changes, get over your ex, and start living the life you deserve.
This is where most relationship experts or advice columns will tell you to get a hobby or hit the gym.
I’m a firm believer that every man should have his own hobbies and take care of himself as a regular part of life, not just as a mask to help cope with the real issues he’s facing.
Without taking care of the real issues at hand, you’ll still be left with an uneasy feeling that hobbies or pushups cannot overcome.
Stop having sex with her. I placed this first because it’s way too easy for either side (male or female) to continue the intimate portion of their relationship when everything else has fallen apart.
Sounds like a no brainer but you’d be surprised at the amount of people who still stay physically engaged with each other well beyond their breakup (also a factor in the “on again off again” dynamic). It’s easy to go back to what is familiar but you’ll only prolong the emotional turmoil by doing so.
Establish a reasonable cut off. Like your first priority of discontinuing sex, you want to break all other lines of communication in regard to the relationship.
This involves calls, emails, stalking on social media sites, inquiring or asking about her through mutual friends, and so on. To be frank, any time you allow her into your head you are only setting your self up for more questioning and suffering.
* In the event that you have children with each other, keep your interactions business-like and cordial. Great parents have the ability to keep their behavior in check, especially around their children. Just because your relationship did not work out does not mean you cannot co-parent in the right manner and it does not mean that your children should receive anything but the best from both of you.
Dismiss the “what if’s.” Staying in line with being present minded and cutting communication, become aware of your ability to drift off and start wondering about her.
It’s bound to happen from time to time, but know that anytime spent thinking about the past or future deters you from time that could be spent in the present. Productive time. Ask yourself what thinking about her or the uncertain future does to your own well-being and you’ll find it easy to move on to more proactive thoughts.
Accept responsibility. There are two sides to every story. Two sets of people, feelings, and perspectives. Think about what part of the story you own. What is your responsibility in this?
It’s far to easy too point the blame and hide from what you’re accountable for, especially through trying times. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, but an even bigger man to do right by them. Be that man. It’s a mark of high-character and maturity to be accountable for your position.
Embrace a healthy dose of reality. Sometimes you’ve got to just suck it up, realize the worst of it is over and that there will be other women.
A lot of information out there will tell you to get back on the horse and start dating again and I agree with that, only to an extent. If you are unable think about, or even see the other person, without having a healthy view and perspective of not being together anymore, than odds are you are not ready.
Not only is this not just to any new women you are dating, you’re only going to cause more damage to your self-esteem.
Be Mature In Your Actions
It’s important for you to know that if you’re currently going through this there are a variety of feelings and emotions that you will experience that are normal.
Feeling the loss of someone you were close with is perfectly fine.
The two of you have an intimate history together. The bond and connection you’ve shared is important, as is the knowledge and level of understanding that you’ve gained throughout your time spent together.
We are unable to undo the past but we can learn to embrace it.
It may have not ended in the best way for the two of you but it doesn’t take away the fact that it happened and was a part of your life.
In time you’ll be alright.
With the exception of this being your first failed relationship think about many others you’ve weathered and survived.
There was a reason the two of you got together and in all reality every one of your exes should hold a special place in your heart.
Be aware of your thoughts, decisions, and the consequences they bring about.
Exercise and strengthen your self-control while reaffirming the beliefs that are true, and grounded in reality.
If necessary, seek the right kind of support through your friends, family, and other healthy relationships in your life.
Pick up a book or find the right kind of information and people that will help you to see things a little more clearly.
By being able to be decisive, take the lead, and respect your ex it is possible to become a better man, better partner to someone else down the road, and even maintain a life-long friendship with her.
Have you ever had difficulties with how to get over your ex? What were some of your troubles or breakthroughs? As always, we’d like to hear whats on your mind. Be sure to use the share buttons and let us know!