Are you selfish sexually?
If so, or you aren’t sure, it’s time to get down, dirty and direct when it comes to having great sex.
Just the other day I saw the most realistic sex scene I’ve ever seen on television. I was stunned because typically they are filmed to look all shiny and pretty. The guy usually has perfect abs and biceps for days and the girl is cellulite-free with the ass of a 12 year old boy and a rack like Pamela Anderson during the glory days.
After all, who doesn’t like to see two beautiful people roll around on a bed or get kinky in the kitchen?
Watching a scintillating sex scene can give us great ideas on what to do the next time we get our paws on our mate. Or it can get us all revved up and on the prowl for some good lovin’.
Seeing sexy bodies doing sexy things just makes you feel sexy.
Alas, this sex scene was not of that ilk. This sex scene was downright awkward, funny as hell and exactly what women go through all the time in the bedroom—only in reverse.
In this case, it was the man who got a taste of what it’s like to have sex with someone who seems to forget that there is another person involved in the act who wouldn’t mind a little pleasure too.
[pullquote]“There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.” —Billy Joel[/pullquote]
Now, before you think this is me giving you guys a hard time, just think back over the last 6 months of my articles. It is my supreme goal to make sexy-time the most delicious experience you and your woman ever have.
I find great joy in giving men and woman a little nudge (or a big poke in the ass) to get them on course to amazing sex. So, if every once and a while I have to talk about things that happen that shhhh…no one talks about out loud, then I’m happy and willing to step up to the plate.
So, back to this sex scene. It was in a TV show called The League. I was messing around trying to find a new series to watch so I thought I’d give it a go. I love playing fantasy football so I figured the show would be right up my alley.
About 4 minutes into the pilot episode this super-short, all the lights on, awkward, realistic, one-sided sex scene reared its unbearably funny and accurate head and I had to pause the TV because I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
If you can access streaming Netflix or Amazon TV or some other venue for watching the very first episode, go do it. Do it now, then come back and reread this article and you’ll see what I am talking about.
Essentially, the sexual encounter all boiled down to this:
- Wife grabs unsuspecting husband who is yawning in bed and telling her about his day.
- Wife leaps on top of him and just starts having sex with him with no warning or warming up.
- Wife infiltrates his backside, mostly against his will but while cooing in his ear that it’s all okay—“It’s just the tip!” (I swear I almost died laughing!)
- Wife gets off in about 30 seconds and then gets up, goes to the john and is done, leaving her man kinda heated up, kinda grossed out, kinda shell shocked, and just laying there with no “resolution” for his needs.
So, you’re probably thinking, “How in the hell is that funny? That’s not funny at all.”
Well…from a woman’s perspective it’s an absolute riot and I’ll tell you why.
So many women fantasize about doing exactly that to their man—a little sexual payback, if you will.
We wonder if our man would even get the point if we just rubbed up on him and got what we needed—leaving him to then fend for himself once we were finished without a second thought to his satisfaction, and then went about our day buying shoes or getting our hair done after congratulating him on the fantastic sex.
I’ll admit it. I’ve fantasized about doing that to more than one boyfriend over the years. I’ve wanted to do it so badly, but it is programmed into women that that kind of behavior is never acceptable—alas, I’ve never done the turnabout is fair play sex smack down though I would have very much loved to.
While writing this article, and just to make sure that I wasn’t jaded in my opinions by having somehow stumbled across a higher-than-average percentage of wham-bam-thank-ya-ma’am type men over the course of my sexual history, I reached out to some of my readers and asked them if they’d ever fantasized about doing the old only-my-needs-matter-sexual-switcharoo and the vast majority said yes.
The ones that didn’t initially say yes said that it was one of the best ideas they’d ever heard and wondered why they hadn’t thought of it themselves. It seemed that almost all of them wanted to dose out a little tit for tat.
What Being Selfish Sexually Looks Like
Since it’s not just me, but also my readers, and clearly one of the writers on the show who’s experienced “I’m done so we’re done” sex, I wanted share with you what really goes on inside a woman’s head when sex is like this:
- Man decides he wants to have sex.
- Man fiddles around with our girly bits for maybe 20 seconds (it may seem like 10 minutes to you, but trust me, it rarely is).
- Man gets all hot and heavy and begins ritual pounding in the way that feels best to him and gets him the most turned on.
- Man finishes in 2 minutes (or even 10—it doesn’t really matter if there’s no effort to please the woman while doing it).
- Man got what he came for and so the sexual encounter comes to an immediate conclusion. Zippedy doo dah, it’s all over.
- Thank you and have a nice day.
We women are left there on the bed thinking, WTF??? So, sex started because you wanted it. Sex went the way you wanted it to go. Sex was over when you were finished. Yep, that is not even worth the clean up.
Now, I’m not saying that’s how it is every time. I know many of you are attentive to your woman’s yummy places. What I am suggesting though is that if that sex scene at all resembles the kind of sex you sometimes have, you need to know your girl is quite likely not satisfied (and may want to kick you where it hurts as you just leave her hanging once you are finished).
[pullquote]“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” ― Mae West[/pullquote]
It’s important to know that from a woman’s perspective, unless she doesn’t really like sex (and if it’s like how I just described it, who could blame her?), sex is NOT over just because you finished your business. Being a selfish sexually is a lose-lose situation.
Whoever came up with the idea that you coming means: Yep, that’s over. Time to go watch football, should be tarred and feathered.
Don’t Be Selfish Sexually With Your Partner
So, why am I telling you all of this? I share this insight with you because if sex with you is at all like that, you are not only doing your woman a disservice, but you are doing yourself one too.
Sex like that may be physically fulfilling for you in that moment, but it doesn’t create the intimacy that helps solidify and nurture a relationship. It also leaves a woman thinking what a selfish-in-the-sack-jerk you are (even if she never says it in so many words) and either lessens her sex drive (because what’s the point if it isn’t going to lead to her satisfaction too) or it drives her into the arms of another (which totally sucks and is wrong, but which sometimes happens nonetheless).
So, go watch that sex scene and feel what it’s like for a lot of women out there. Then, if you ever feel yourself giving in to the “I’m done, we’re done” sex mentality again, you know that chances are she’s laying there thinking of how she can get away with killing you and not ending up in prison. Kidding! She may not be thinking that… but ya never know…
As always, I wish for you love, happiness and much happy humping (done in a mutually satisfying way, of course!).
“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.” —Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Jodi Ambrose is our sex expert here at The Acquiring Man, author of Sex: How to Get More of It (for the guys) and Intimacy: How to Get More of It (for the ladies). She’s also contributed to Playboy radio on the topics of sex, love and relationships. Check out her blog and be sure to follow her on Twitter @JodiAmbrose.