Dating can be complicated and there are many types of toxic women out there in the world. Our logical mind, heart, and libido tend to have different ideas regarding who might be the right person to pursue. Learning to tell the difference and find a compromise that makes every part of you happy can be borderline impossible long term.
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In my mission to help you date more efficiently and not waste precious time, here’s a list of the different types of toxic women you should not ignore.
1) Miss Rebound. She needs to be in a relationship at all times and will set up a new nest before ending the one (relationship) she’s in. She’s constantly looking for someone better and will drop you the moment she secures her next “upgrade.” She fears nights alone and informs Facebook every time she leaves the house.
2) Drunk Girl at the Party. She feels most comfortable when she’s bar hopping the night away. She who-hoos with her posse until the sun comes up. Even on a Tuesday. This girl will run up your tab, getting plastered every night, leaving you there to hold back her hair while she covers your leather seats with vomit. Then, if you still feel like doing the deed when you get home – remember alcohol loosens *everything* up and desensitizes you.
3) Miss Dependent. Her family, husbands, boyfriends, divorce settlements have created a life for her in which she has never relied on herself for anything. She has no ambition and no interest in an education or career.
4) Miss Prada. She only wears the finest fabrics and if it’s not designer she doesn’t want it in the same room. She is obsessed with fashion and has her cosmetic dentist and plastic surgeon on speed dial. She has a section in her closet just for yachting attire and if you don’t own a yacht, it’s a problem.
5) Miss Pill Popper. She has more ailments than a lab rat and she knows which doctors are loose with the prescription pad. No one really seems to know what’s wrong with her and her extreme moods are more entertaining than an amusement park.
6) The Stuffer. She agrees with everything you say. She’s a sweetheart and projects a selfless demeanor. “Wherever you want. Whatever you want.” This all seems fine and dandy if you’re the type of man who doesn’t mind a girl without her own opinion, but in actuality she has an opinion and she keeps stuffing her own feelings and ideas deep down in order to appear more appealing to you. This is a passive woman that ends up becoming something more akin to the violent eruption at Pompeii vs. the sweetheart you thought you knew. Put simply, this sweet bitch gets CRAY.
7) The Perma-Kid. This girl is forever 16. She’s anti-authority and likes to cause a scene. She’ll end up being the 60+ year old grannie that has the droopy tattoos and still thinks she’s hip. You might like a good thrill but with this girl the thrill never stops… until you end up in jail.
8) Miss Bling Bling. She loves bedazzling everything and her favorite color is leopard. Her boobs are too big for any bra at Victoria Secrets and her motto is go big or go home. She needs attention at all times so when you’re going to the bathroom she’s texting 10 other guys. If you’re going to take this girl home I suggest wearing a condom.
9) Miss Baby Fever. She tracks her ovulation with an app on her phone. This is the girl that loves sex and refuses to use birth control or at least she tells you she’s on the pill, but you’ve personally never seen a single pill. This girl is obsessed with having offspring and will do and say anything necessary to achieve this objective. Note: This girl will want you to stick around, but mostly to pay child support.
10) Damsel in Distress. This is you “whoa is me” type of human being. Her life is more dramatic than a Quentin Tarantino film. Her parents abandoned her and since then her life has been one traumatic occurrence after another. She seems to disappear at night and always has a thick stack of one dollar bills in her purse. She hasn’t eaten in days and she’s starving… for you to come to her rescue.
11) Miss not right now. She’s not in the right place in her life for a relationship but maybe tomorrow. You hang on because she’s unpredictable and mysterious and she’ll stick around for a bit while you pay the bill.
Although we have a need for excitement and uncertainty don’t get fooled by these types. We’ve all been fooled by an obvious trap but the great thing about being human is the ability to grow and learn from our mistakes. Happy Humping!
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Our sex columist, Erika Jordan, is also a prolific actress and glamour model. Follow her on Twitter @Erika4Jordan, Instagram @ErikaJordan, and visit her personal page ErikaJordan.net or misserikajordan.com a site made for the fans by the fans!
