Cupid doesn’t know shit! But have no fear.
With these gift giving tips for men you are sure to ace any one of the made-up holidays that send you scrambling all over town to the finest stores (or at least the nearest supermarket) in hopes of finding the perfect gesture that will both express your feelings and get you laid that night.
Whether you are in that extremely awkward phase where you started dating someone a few weeks before this big day (rookie mistake) or you’re in a long-term relationship, you will be expected to deliver. Women that say they want nothing are liars; we all want at least something.
As long as you’re going to be out there wasting your money, at least waste it in on something we won’t secretly resent you for. For years, you’ve been inundated with images from Hallmark and Hollywood and I’m here to stop the madness.
Gift Giving Tips for Men
This year, don’t be a victim of the overdone.
Red Roses
I realize this might come as the biggest shock, but it is undoubtedly my chief no-no of the bunch (pun intended). What does this say about you besides the fact that you lack any creative control over your decisions? It also says that you are unobservant or, perhaps worse, frivolous with your money. Anyone that is a person living in the U.S. (except maybe an agoraphobic) should be well aware that the cost of red roses is severely inflated in the days preceding Valentine’s Day.
Instead, look for her favorite flowers. Then, for the remaining 98% of you that have no idea which ones are her favorite, get a bouquet in a color she really likes. Still clueless, huh? Just get her some lilies.
Stuffed Animals
No really, what could be sexier than going into a grown woman’s bedroom for the first time to see an all-star lineup of stuffed animals laid out on her bed? Don’t contribute to this silent epidemic. I know. The temptation is great to buy the sad-eyed puppy holding a heart that says “You’re Dog Gone Special”.
So when the urge to purchase the plush penguin wearing cupid wings gets too strong, channel that affinity for animals doing human-like things right on over to the card aisle. Those are a lot more manageable and disposable to us. Let’s face it, stuffed animals are adorable but just wait to buy those for all the babies we’re going to have together! Hey wait…where are you going?
Box of Chocolates
Here’s the thing. Women love chocolate. What we don’t love is the sabotage you are trying to inflict on our New Year’s resolution. If it’s in the house we’ll eat it; even that disgusting orange crème filled one. Do us both a favor and tone it down by not buying us a 3-foot box of love handles.
How about a small piece of individually wrapped orgasm? I mean chocolate. Better yet, if you are going out for dinner I have a tip that will make you look so suave that Burt Reynolds will envy you. Us dames are highly impressed by surprises, so call ahead to the restaurant and have them bring a decadent dessert after the meal. Two spoons means half the calories for her and a rom-com moment that is sure to gain you “brownie” points (wow, I’m a nerd).
Heart-Shaped Anything
Unless you’re dating Betty Boop or an elementary school secretary, this is an unusable gift. These are novelty items that look great on the shelves in stores to remind you (right around December 26) that Valentine’s Day is coming, but I can assure you they’ll have no place in our carefully planned motifs. Got your eye on an item of clothing with hearts on it? You put that down right now, mister, and you forget you ever considered such an atrocity.
*At the time this article was published my friend “Lisa”, whose name was not changed to protect her identity, insisted that I add an addendum that heart-shaped necklaces can be the exception. To this I say, “Know your audience.” I personally don’t fit the bill, but I’ve also been accused on multiple occasions of not having a heart, so I’m probably allergic.
Diamonds
I mean, seriously? As far as gift giving tips for men goes – If you set the bar by tossing diamonds around on a fake holiday then where will you go from there? Diamonds are for engagements, anniversaries and when you get caught committing adultery. I think it was De Beers that said that.
So now that you know what to steer clear of with my gift giving tips for men, I will leave you with one word.
Cook.
Okay, I lied I have more words. If you purchase one of the approved items above from and whip up some dinner for her, this will never do you wrong. Something about a man fumbling around in the kitchen makes us swoon. Oh, and heart-shaped pancakes are totally acceptable.
And delicious.
Lauren O’Brien is a stand-up comedian, writer and former morning radio show co-host living in California since her escape from New Jersey. Lauren’s style has been described as “impeccably witty and ferociously funny” but she was the one doing the describing (to herself). See more self-praise on Twitter @thelaurenobrien and Laurenobrien.net.
