I actually shuddered a bit as I wrote that first sentence.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with online dating, per se.
But even with the vast number of people partaking, there’s still a certain stigma attached to the practice that feels like one lives in the less than charming hamlet of Loserville.
I write a blog, 1yearofonlinedatingat50.com, which chronicles my journey through the trenches of online dating.
Let me tell you, this year has been an adventure.
I see men make the same mistakes over and over and I could surely fill a book with their screw-ups.
I am convinced that loads of women are just as shady, but that’s an article for a jaded and rancorous dude to write. For now you’re stuck with blunt and cynical me.
If I had to pick the most common mistake (besides lying about their age) it would be grooming.
What’s up with you disheveled guys?
With a tiny bit of effort you could go from knuckle-dragger to Christian Grey (without the nipple clamps, thank you very much), so let’s delve into this grooming guide for men, shall we?
Grooming Guide for Men
[li]1. Nose Hair
I’ve seen a freakish amount of stuff hanging out of men’s noses. Are you avoiding a mirror? I know, I know, it’s not something guys think about as they’re shaving, but they should.
Trim your nose hair every single time you shave. Lean back, look up the orifice and check out the landscape because even if nothing’s dangling beyond the nostril, there’s a treacherous jungle inside. What you blow out of it after showering gets stuck in that Amazon. It eventually makes its way outside the nostril and your date is in the precarious position of wondering if she should say, “excuse me, there’s an SUV hanging out of your nose.”
Most of the time she’ll remain silent, but don’t be fooled as the focus won’t be on your words. She’ll be mesmerized by what’s moving in and out of your nostrils with each breath while wondering if it might drop into your sushi. Now there’s even a kit to wax it all away. Screaming vulgarities is part of that process so it’s probably best to do it when children aren’t around.[/li]
If you’ve got a unibrow or eyebrows that are as wide as they are long, get ‘em waxed. You’d be amazed at how something as simple as that changes one’s face. Do you want to date Frida Kahlo? Didn’t think so and we don’t want to go out with Andy Rooney (rest in peace, my hairy curmudgeon).[/li]
[li] 3. Ear Hair
Come on! Look behind those sideburns and see if you’ve got tufts growing out of your flappers. There’s nothing that says, “Check, please,” quicker than getting your tongue tangled in the auricle mane of a guy whom, seconds before, was irresistible. One man showed up for our first date with weed-whack-able ears. I spent the entire time wondering if I could cornrow and bead that stuff. This area can also be waxed but it’s not a do-it-yourself project–consult a professional.[/li]
[li]4. Hands and Feet
Now don’t get all puffed up and indignant when I suggest getting a mani/pedi. Think of how a woman feels when you touch certain “delicate” areas of her body with cuticles rough enough to exfoliate, or even worse, dirty nails. Get a basic manicure and leave the clear polish for the Wise Guys. Ok, now the feet. I don’t think male feet should ever see the light of day.
Flip-flops or sandals should be outlawed. Show me a man with an attractive foot and I promise it’s attached to a prosthetic leg. But, there’s always a way to improve on hideous and that’s by having your toenails trimmed, calluses removed and that yellow hue buffed off the talons. Go on, make an appointment today. The ladies in the nail salon will look on with admiration because of this universal truth: Male feet gross us out but extra gnarly ones cause dry heaving.[/li]
Did you know that the quickest way to look more youthful is to whiten your teeth? It’s so simple and yet nearly every man I’ve dated hasn’t done it. There are plenty of over-the-counter whitening kits available—you don’t need to go the professional route if cost is an issue. Here’s how to tell if you need to whiten your teeth: If you haven’t done it, you do. Simple as that and it doesn’t take holding an ear of corn next to your mouth to compare.[/li][/list]
Bottom line is that you men have no idea what women go through to prepare for a date and this grooming guide for men can go a very long way for you.
Honestly, the older I get the more frightening the magnifying mirror becomes. Forget about makeup, hair, clothes and shoes. The amount of grooming required for females makes the few that I’ve listed above seem like child’s play.
If you think the suggestions are ridiculous, ponder this: How hot would a woman be if she showed up on a first date with hairy legs and underarms or a moustache and caterpillar eyebrows?
Admit it, her number would be deleted from your phone immediately following the Quick Drink Before Bolting.
Please don’t get me started on the areas on the ladies that are covered by clothing.
I know how you guys feel.
I wrote an article about Brazilian waxing some time ago and the overwhelming consensus from men was: Women with hair down there? Disgusting, get rid of it!
Sure, a little nose hair waxing is uncomfortable, but if you feel a whine coming on, just once get those superfluous follicles on the “boys” yanked off.
It will be illuminating. I promise.