Your other girlfriend as in your hand. Choking your chicken will make you go blind.
Okay, you won’t actually go blind by spanking the monkey or killing the beast, but you may lose sight of the wonderful woman that’s right in front of you. I’m here to help you keep that from happening.
I had an old friend say to me, “For your next book please write about us men over 40 who can’t believe we would rather watch a ball game than have sex.”
My response to him was, “Well, maybe jerk off less so that chicks are more appealing to you.”
While both he and I were being a bit tongue-in-cheek, we were being serious, too.
Mangling your man pipe is an awesome thing, but like with everything else on earth the key to happiness is moderation.
Some women think that a man taking care of his own business is a form of cheating.
I don’t buy into that.
If it’s on your own body and not on someone else’s then how can it be cheating?
But after talking with many women about why they consider it to be taboo I came to understand that in most cases women didn’t really think of it as cheating, per se, but figured it might as well be because their man’s warm relationship with his own fun parts was killing their sex life.
That’s when it all started making sense.
The women felt like they were coming in 2nd place to your own hand.
Your Other Girlfriend is Pretty Damn Appealing
So, now it’s time to get down to brass tacks. Ever since you discovered that wonderful toy between your legs, you’ve likely been fascinated by it.
I can’t blame you. I have a minor case of penis envy myself.
I joke that if I were a guy I’d stick that thing into pies, cakes, cantaloupes, sock puppets and anything else within reach.
Why not? It’s there. It seems a shame to let it get lonely when your hand is but a few inches away. I’ve always thought, “If ya wanna whack your willy, more power to you!”
“Don’t knock masturbation–it’s sex with someone I love.” ~ Woody Allen
But…and this is one of the most important “buts” you’ll ever read about your sex life: If you fall into the trap of pleasuring yourself significantly more than you pleasure your woman, you are in for a lot of anguish and a very unhappy significant other.
And since nobody wants that, what can you do to keep that from happening?
First, it’s important to understand the ladies’ point of view.
Women want to feel loved. They want to feel desired and sexy. They want to feel that when you look at them you crave them like a PMSing chick craves chocolate.
When women don’t feel that way, that’s when things can really start to go downhill.
So, you may be wondering how your playtime by yourself translates into your woman not feeling desired and satisfied? Usually it doesn’t.
My philosophy, and the philosophy of a lot of women I’ve talked to, has always been, “You do what you need to do and it isn’t a problem until our sex life starts to suffer.” And there’s the rub (no pun intended!).
Because masturbation is often so easy (I bet you can get to the end game alone pretty damn quick), it doesn’t take much effort, and you can get off whenever you want, sex with your other girlfriend can become a substitute for a delicious roll in the hay with your real woman.
After all, sex with a woman involves a quick shower, foreplay, kissing, worrying about her satisfaction, worrying about your performance, blah blah blah.
“Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.” ~ John Callahan
But sex with your other girlfriend doesn’t have any of those demands. Your five-fingered girlfriend never complains, requires no foreplay and can get the job done every time without needing anything in return.
“The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” ~ Truman Capote
The problem is that sometimes that quick and easy morning session you have with your other girlfriend can dampen your desire for sexy-time with your girl.
When that happens, your woman will start to feel rejected and neglected and you know that can only lead to misery.
Each woman will react differently to a loss of sex and intimacy with you, but here are some common reactions:[list type=”check”]
[li]Some women won’t say anything and suffer in silence.[/li]
[li]Some women will just cheat on you to get their needs fulfilled.[/li]
[li]Some women will think you are cheating on them and that never leads to a happy place.[/li]
[li]Some women will think you find them unattractive and undesirable and will start disliking themselves and you.[/li]
[li]Some women will secretly hate you and grow cold in the bedroom so that on the rare occasion you want her warm body to join in the fun she’s become disinterested.[/li]
[li]Some women will try and talk to you about it, but will fear that you’ll get defensive, offensive or a not-so-lovely combination of both.[/li]
[li]Some women will just turn mean and snippy because they are so frustrated, rejected, confused, angry and sad that they don’t even know what to do or how to handle the situation.[/li][/list]
None of these scenarios bode well for a happy wife, happy life kind of household.
So, what do you do?
Managing the Relationship With Your Other Girlfriend
How can you find out if you are pleasing Mr. Pecker too much on your own? (By that I mean to the detriment of your sex life with your girl.)
Try any or all of these ideas:[list type=”arrow”]
[li]Ask her how she feels about your sex life. I know, what a horrible thing to suggest, but it’s amazing how much you can learn by just asking.[/li]
[li]Keep a record in your private calendar of how often you take care of your own business vs. how often you have sex with your honey. You can abbreviate STM for spank the monkey and RS for real sex. You might feel stupid documenting it, but if you see you are pleasuring yourself 25 times a month and only pleasing your woman once, then you’ll know you need to start rethinking your sexual routines.[/li]
[li]Keep a record of how long the sex lasts with your girl and if she got off. Again you might feel stupid, but you also might be surprised by the results, and seeing it in black and white can give you some serious clarity.[/li]
[li]Next time you want to polish the rocket, instead go seduce your woman and start making a habit of doing so.[/li][/list]
Ultimately, it’s all about achieving a balance.
I think it’s crazy to expect a man to never please himself. But I also think it’s equally as crazy to expect your girl to be okay with a much-reduced sex life because you are so enamored with your own man parts that you forget about her needs and desires.
And remember, sex isn’t just about body slappin’. It’s about sharing love and joy and intimacy with another person.
Sex can create an incredibly strong bond that helps get you through even the worst of times. Don’t let that bond erode by forgetting how important a satisfying sex life is.
Plus, having sex is fun and healthy and makes the world a better place. So go get yourself some. Now! What are you waiting for?
As always, I wish you much love, tons of joy and vast amounts of happy humping!
Jodi Ambrose is our sex expert here at The Acquiring Man, author of Sex: How to Get More of It (for the guys) and Intimacy: How to Get More of It (for the ladies). She’s also contributed to Playboy radio on the topics of sex, love and relationships. Check out her blog and be sure to follow her on Twitter @JodiAmbrose.